Personal Space Invaders

This post isn’t about the fabulous game of my youth (I had an Atari if anyone is interested) which involved shooting aliens before they landed on Earth.

No, this post is about those people who invade my personal space on a daily basis. You know what I’m talking about…the person whose armpit you are forced to get to know on a rather more intimate level than you’d like on the tube, the postman who stands a little bit too close while you’re signing for a recorded delivery letter, the fellow train traveller who sits next to you – despite the fact that all the other seats on the train are empty (this one really grinds my gears) and, my nemesis,…The Person Who Stands Too Close In the Queue At The Post Office/Bus Stop/Marks and Spencers.

Seriously, what is with these idiots?

I encountered one yesterday (yes, yes, yes, I have been fuming about her for well over 24 hours) and she not only stood too close but she also managed to evade all my usual moves to get her to back off, and she hummed the whole time, just to add insult to injury.

I couldn’t take any photos of this awful experience, but I have drawn some pictures. I’m sure you will agree that I am quite the artist.

Lunchtime, Marks & Spencers, Yesterday.

I had picked up my edamame pods and some fruit and had happily joined the end of the queue ready to pay for my lunch. I was gazing at the Percy Pig display, and idly wondering how many calories each pig would contain while trying to still the voice in my head who was chanting “BUY THEM! BUY THEM! PERCY PIGS, PERCY PIGS!” and then I was thinking a bit about the edamame and whether I was going to actually get to the car before ripping into them this time.

Percy Pigs not pictured

I knew you’d be impressed at my imagery.

Suddenly I felt the breath of a human on the back of my neck, and I knew – I just knew that I had a Personal Space Invader.

SEE? Look at her, she's practically running to get into my space

Why? WHY? WHYYYY? It’s so bizarre, why do people do this? WHY? I literally cannot fathom what makes these creatures tick. Did they grow up in teeny tiny houses where everyone had to sit on each other’s laps all the time? Are they spatially challenged? What makes people DO THIS? Honestly?

*spittle*

Eyes are starting to swivel backwards here

I turned my head and looked her right in the eye, sighed huffily and turned my back on her…TAKE THAT! But she actually moved a bit closer. Ahhh, I see you don’t care if people huff at you? OK then, time for my first trick…

Trick A) Take a half a step forward – and this bit is key – Leave your other leg where it is so you are standing with your legs apart, rock your weight onto your front leg and twist your body to the side. This usually befuddles the Space Invader as they are now not crawling up your arse, but are instead forced to hump your leg like the dogs they are.

Oh, but this one was wiley – I cannot actually believe that she did this is but she actually moved forward and around me and stood directly behind me again! Creating a sort of double decker queue! HAS SHE NO RESPECT AT ALL FOR QUEUING? I was aghast.

I hopped forward again and tried my second trick…

Trick B) Hands on Hips, make your elbows as pointy as you can and, if possible, suddenly pretend to not notice that there is someone standing close enough to smell your hair, and give them a jab in the guts.

I managed to get a small jab in and then she trumped me by using my usual Trick C) which involves swinging your bag around like an schoolchild until they back off – on ME!

ME! The person whose grill she was all up in!

Actual HATE

What does she want? A PIGGY BACK TO THE TILL?

I fell down frothing at this point, just at the moment when the Queue thing said “DING DONG! Till number three”

She stepped over my screaming tantrum and strolled nonchalantly up to pay for her EVIL GOODS OF EVILNESS.

You may have won this time Personal Space Invader, oh yes, but next time I will bring out the big guns…

I might even actually say something like “Would you mind not standing so close?”

Yeah.

Edamame Pods or The Terrible Addiction

Edamame Pods.

I have eaten 9 packs of edamame pods since Friday. It’s Tuesday and I didn’t eat any on Saturday – Saturday was the day for the Holy Trinity of Pringles, Houmous and Wine *genuflects*

It all started quite innocently a few years ago.

When I met with friends at say, Wagamama’s, we’d share a couple of portions for a “Starter”. Y’know? Just to get the party started.

That was fine – I always managed to have a main course of noodles or something. And the Edamame pods were just…well, just part of the evening, really. I didn’t even think about the fact that I’d eaten them on the way home or anything.

As I say. It was no big deal.

And so what if I started wanting to go to Yo Sushi every weekend? It’s good fun. The kids like it. Look:

Spot the edamame pods

And yeah. Maybe I should have worried when I didn’t want to eat the Nigri or the Chicken Katsu Curry. Maybe I should have started to think…”this is getting unhealthy IN A REALLY FUCKING HEALTHY WAY”  but I didn’t.

I started scouring the internet. Looking for places I could buy the pods. Sure, sometimes I could source a Birds Eye pack of the de-podded beans at Sainsbury’s – but I’m not some kind of amateur.

I need the sprinkle of sea salt on the pod…

The roughness of the pod suddenly juxtaposed with the slippery smoothness of the bean. The nutty flavour. The way the bean breaks in two…the mindlessness of the action…

I suppose the roots of all this stem from the peas that grow on the vegetable patch at the end of the garden

See? They even look pretty BEFORE they become peas

I was an only child, and lived next door to 3 boys on one side and 3 girls on the other. We spent hours at the very end of our gardens (where the peas grow) talking over the fences, playing french skipping and arguing. We would eat the peas straight from the pod, and that was the only way I could eat them. Cooked peas? Jesus, what are you? some sort of pervert? When you cook a pea the texture changes from one of squeaky pleasure to foamy ick. The sweetness intensifies – and not in a good way. Even the colour changes from a beautiful, tasteful, elegant Eau De Nil to either a khaki sludge, or..or…those frozen ones! They look like they have been grown in radioactive soil, greener than green as they are. Still, as great as peas are, they sure as shit ain’t no Edamame Pods.

It was all OK, I could handle it. Until last week.

Last week I went, innocently, into Marks and Spencer to buy something for lunch.

There, nestled among the sandwiches and shaker salads containing quinoa, lentils and butternut squash (very delicious actually, despite it’s horrifically hippy/vegan vibe) – were fresh edamame pods for sale. Pots with even a little section with Anglesey Sea Salt in…

I've had to doctor this pot to make it appear full *sadface*

I only bought one pot that day…God, was it only a week ago?

I enjoyed them. They were really good. I went back the to M&S the next day and bought two pots.

I ate them both. I didn’t bother with the SuperShakerHippySalad.

By Friday I was buying four pots.

My shame was complete on Saturday when I asked someone else to buy me five pots, as they were going near M&S…I handed over a bedraggled fiver. The last five pounds in my purse.( not really, don’t forget I had to buy pringles and houmous and wine *genuflects*)

I really tried not eat the second pot today. The first one? Yeah…that’s fine, they’re GOOD for you, but everything in moderation and all that.

I went for a walk in my lunch hour. Took my camera. (Thought about the pods) Took some photos.

Is it just me or do those trees look laden with Pods?

I  made friends with a completely potty Dalmation, (Thought about pods) which was all well and good before she plunged into the river (thought about pods) not so great after her dip in the rancid water and then came running back over to me wagging her Pod, covering me splashes of River Pods. I walked to the shops (thought about pods) Bought a new pair on SunPods and walked back to the PodOffice. Had a cup of PodTea, and wrote a list of Things To do, got the Podulator and Podular out and…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!