Personal Space Invaders
This post isn’t about the fabulous game of my youth (I had an Atari if anyone is interested) which involved shooting aliens before they landed on Earth.
No, this post is about those people who invade my personal space on a daily basis. You know what I’m talking about…the person whose armpit you are forced to get to know on a rather more intimate level than you’d like on the tube, the postman who stands a little bit too close while you’re signing for a recorded delivery letter, the fellow train traveller who sits next to you – despite the fact that all the other seats on the train are empty (this one really grinds my gears) and, my nemesis,…The Person Who Stands Too Close In the Queue At The Post Office/Bus Stop/Marks and Spencers.
Seriously, what is with these idiots?
I encountered one yesterday (yes, yes, yes, I have been fuming about her for well over 24 hours) and she not only stood too close but she also managed to evade all my usual moves to get her to back off, and she hummed the whole time, just to add insult to injury.
I couldn’t take any photos of this awful experience, but I have drawn some pictures. I’m sure you will agree that I am quite the artist.
Lunchtime, Marks & Spencers, Yesterday.
I had picked up my edamame pods and some fruit and had happily joined the end of the queue ready to pay for my lunch. I was gazing at the Percy Pig display, and idly wondering how many calories each pig would contain while trying to still the voice in my head who was chanting “BUY THEM! BUY THEM! PERCY PIGS, PERCY PIGS!” and then I was thinking a bit about the edamame and whether I was going to actually get to the car before ripping into them this time.
I knew you’d be impressed at my imagery.
Suddenly I felt the breath of a human on the back of my neck, and I knew – I just knew that I had a Personal Space Invader.
Why? WHY? WHYYYY? It’s so bizarre, why do people do this? WHY? I literally cannot fathom what makes these creatures tick. Did they grow up in teeny tiny houses where everyone had to sit on each other’s laps all the time? Are they spatially challenged? What makes people DO THIS? Honestly?
I turned my head and looked her right in the eye, sighed huffily and turned my back on her…TAKE THAT! But she actually moved a bit closer. Ahhh, I see you don’t care if people huff at you? OK then, time for my first trick…
Trick A) Take a half a step forward – and this bit is key – Leave your other leg where it is so you are standing with your legs apart, rock your weight onto your front leg and twist your body to the side. This usually befuddles the Space Invader as they are now not crawling up your arse, but are instead forced to hump your leg like the dogs they are.
Oh, but this one was wiley – I cannot actually believe that she did this is but she actually moved forward and around me and stood directly behind me again! Creating a sort of double decker queue! HAS SHE NO RESPECT AT ALL FOR QUEUING? I was aghast.
I hopped forward again and tried my second trick…
Trick B) Hands on Hips, make your elbows as pointy as you can and, if possible, suddenly pretend to not notice that there is someone standing close enough to smell your hair, and give them a jab in the guts.
I managed to get a small jab in and then she trumped me by using my usual Trick C) which involves swinging your bag around like an schoolchild until they back off – on ME!
ME! The person whose grill she was all up in!
What does she want? A PIGGY BACK TO THE TILL?
I fell down frothing at this point, just at the moment when the Queue thing said “DING DONG! Till number three”
She stepped over my screaming tantrum and strolled nonchalantly up to pay for her EVIL GOODS OF EVILNESS.
You may have won this time Personal Space Invader, oh yes, but next time I will bring out the big guns…
I might even actually say something like “Would you mind not standing so close?”