Search Engine Terms.
I love my blog, and I love blogging.
I like the thought that I’m writing down some stuff that I can look back on when I’m older,smile wryly, and think “Oh, I used to make such an effort!”.
I’m also looking forward to the emotional blackmail I can send via text to the boys when they’re married and haven’t spoken to me for a fortnight. I can picture it now:
ME TEXT: “Hello! How are you? I called a couple of times and left a few voicemail messages, which you are yet to return! lol [they will totally know this is sarcastic as the lower case lol is an anathema to me]. I was thinking about all the sacrifices I made when you were just MY little boy *inserts link to Willy Wonka Post* and wondering if you couldn’t take five minutes to call your MOTHER. xx love you xx”
Seriously? It’s the only reason I do this shit.
Although, that’s not strictly true. I do enjoy the fact that other people read my nonsense and some even seem to enjoy it – the weirdo’s.
Even better than that though are the poor hapless souls who google something (Other search engines are available – hopeless, but available) and land on my blog.
Quite often these searches will be something completely unrelated to the information to my posts, and I like to picture these poor googler’s faces as they arrive here, look around guiltily and click away, continuing their quest for:
Oh dear. poor old regret+hen+night+snog. I hope she found the site that could help her…or him..or whatever.
The majority of searches are perfectly normal and understandable:
“what does a rotten coconut look like?”
“ice cream cupcakes”
all link nicely to a post that the searcher might find helpful.
“wanna smoke? alpaca bowl”
however, is a consistent – and I’m sure disappointing to the searcher – entry. I thought it was probably about drugs. Although on a little google search of my own I found that it’s an internet meme. Still, I’m sure that every person who lands on my I’m famous on the internet post from this search is nonplussed (I still think there’s some sort of drug reference in there I’m not getting)
This week I’ve had 4 searches land for:
“smallest twat i have ever seen”
3 searches for:
“food smearing cakesporn”
and 2 searches for
“Halloween Pumpkin Fucking”
which both jibe uncomfortably with:
“letting god out of the box”
It’s all so random, and so from “jumping into the sea in our school uniform” and “llama standing on a chicken with glasses and a straw hat” I would like to move swiftly on to my favourite Search Engine Term EVER (and I’m not lying – this is an actual hit on this site)
“a friend was getting pissed off with the guy who was throwing a party, so when everything calmed down, and most people were gone or asleep, he got the butter. he microwaved the butter. then poured the melted butter into a bowl. then shat in the butter carton. then poured in the melted butter, and let it set in the fridge. then left.”
SO MANY THINGS WRONG. But baby, SO MANY THINGS RIGHT.