How to take a desknap
I would never advocate taking a nap at work at all ever, under any circumstances and have never ever committed such a deeply unprofessional act. If you ARE the sort of person who wants to take a nap while at work then you should be ashamed of yourself.
YOU are the reason that the government has had to make massive cuts in things like, LIBRARIES and stuff like…FOOD for poor people.
You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Yes. Look. YOU ARE A DISGRACE.
*looks around for boss*
Right. You know those days when you’re just completely shattered? Maybe you’d been out the night before drinking cocktails or maybe you’ve been poorly, or maybe you’re just a common or garden lazy fecker…whichever you may be, I have put together a handy guide to sneaking a quick five minutes shut-eye.
Sunglasses are your friend. Worried about looking like some sort of inside-it’s-not-sunny-wanker? Fear not! Blame conjunctivitis or some other sort of terrible eyeAIDS and it’s all cool. You could even say that the computer screen “hurts your eyes” (nb: do a *boohoo face* and *bottom lip* while making this declaration)
You can then appear to be checking that vital envelope delivery while actually sneaking a quick drift into the dreamworld where envelopes are not important and you are a rockstar.
Beware though of the oft repeated mistake of shoving the sunglasses (or sleephiderers) onto the top of your head and then catching your forty winks. This is known as a DeskNap Failure and could result in ridicule, SHOUTING and disciplinary action.
This one takes a little bit of subtlety and training. It is very important that you learn NOT to dribble while sleeping, and this tip is not recommended for those who snore. In fact, giving it some thought, most of these tips are not for those of us who are unable to even sleep without being a pain in the arse by making unnecessary and irritating noises and/or secreting bodily fluids.
Place an “important” piece of work, or maybe an envelope brochure on the desk. The trick here is to appear to be thoroughly engrossed in the document, so engrossed that you are slightly deaf to everything else and CONCENTRATING HARD. This is a two pronged attack. The first being that your are doing something VERY IMPORTANT and mustn’t be disturbed and the second that you are so utterly interested in this amazing piece of paper that you are failing to hear anyone asking you to do anything.
The Bog Sleep
Need I say more? Need I take a photo of me asleep in a toilet cubicle?
I don’t think so.
And now, let’s have a look at some of the DeskNaps which could result in you losing your job.
Effective as a subtle way to recharge? NO. Do not do this.
The very moment you move your DeskNap to the floor, YOU ARE LOST. Sleeping under the desk is just…wrong. Don’t do this. I mean it. *stern*
So, Sunglasses and CONCENTRATION and toilets = GOOD.
Slumping and sleeping under the desk = Bad.
Are we clear?
And so ends this weeks lecture on How To Take A Desknap.
Apart from this one little thing – I’m sure you realise that I couldn’t take these photos at work and so I have simulated working conditions.