The Bug Man Party. Otherwise known as OH NO! I’VE GOT GIANT SNAILS IN MY HOUSE!

*shimmery harp music*

*wiggly lines*

2006.

Do you remember 2006? Back then The Da Vinci Code was on at the cinema, boring millions of innocent film goers to an almost certain death by Tom Hanks Coma.

2006 was (according to wikipedia) the International Year of Deserts and Desertification. Seriously. What the Jeff?

2006 was also the year that I, with no forethought WHATSOEVER, invited a man to bring an assortment of terrifyingly huge insects and reptiles into my house. Not only that but I PAID him to do so.

That’s pretty effed up for a woman who has a nervy breaker any time that a haphazard wasp enters the front room. By Nervy Breaker I mean “Screaming”, “Swatting”, “GETITOUTGETITOUT”, “I CANNOT BREATHE” *MELTDOWN*

I  have blotted out can’t quite remember the reason for the party. Looking back at the photo’s it appears to have been a joint thing. Which is when I pick an arbitrary date and tell the boys that it’s their Birthday Do. I ignore all shouts of “But my birthday isn’t 17 July!” and “GOD YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVAH” and just happily plan away.

Clearly 2006 was the year in which I totally lost my mind. So I used the yellow pages, or maybe the internetz..who knows? And I found a lovely affable man who was prepared to fill my home with beasts which would make a maggot retch. YAY ME!

I have searched for him in order to link his service in this post – but it appears, WEIRDLY, that he is no longer taking unspeakable creatures to people’s houses for money anymore. I will keep looking though, as he was actually a really lovely man who kept the kids entertained while teaching them THE HORRORS OF THE INSECT WORLD  about Natural History.

I should probably apologise at this point about the quality of the following photo’s. They were taken from a great distance by a crappy old motorola mobile phone. Yes. I was cutting edge, even back them.

Note how enthralled the children are. Freaks.

All the kids are in Halloween garb, I’m pretty sure though that this wasn’t a Halloween party. I usually enjoy those. You will note that the Bug Man looks like a friendly Uncle, or maybe a Grandpa. Don’t be fooled. Within his coolboxes. *shudder*  are things of horror.

[coolboxes are now a minor phobia for me. Once they contained lovely cold bottles of beer, general picnics and maybe WINE…now? Each coolbox might unleash a terrifying GIGANTIC SNAIL or SNAKE]

It started OK. He told the children he had brought with him a PREHISTORIC CREATURE. A little bubble appeared over every child’s head: “RAPTOR!” “STEGOSAURUS!” “PTERODACTYL!”

George.

Out popped George. The tortoise. I wish I’d had the foresight to document on film the crushing disappointment of the children, but to be honest, I had a deep sense of foreboding which rendered my photographic skills null and void.

The kids gamely had a hold of Ordinary George and, to be fair to them, they tried to do “awe” but it really wasn’t working. The Bug Man then upped the ante. Every child now had to sit with their hands cupped. Like this:

I remember making this hand thing. It's usually to collect vomit. WAY TO GO BUGMAN!

This was the point at which my memory, thanks to my kindly brain, goes a bit blurry. I remember a, seemingly, never ending parade of creatures from my very nightmares emerging from innocent looking COOL BOXES and tupperware. Giant African Snails who blurted slime in an indiscriminate way across witches costumes, HUGE stick insects which clung in a unnatural way to small children’s arm hair, Witchity bugs…need I BOKE MY SELF INSIDE OUT?

There follows a montage with my imagined thoughts following. I can’t remember my actual thoughts. As I said, I have a kindly brain which has wiped most of this party from the memory banks.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

I mean. I’m not being funny, but WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

?????????????

Oh. I think it’s a frog. That’s OK, I don’t mind fro…. IT’S JUMPING AROUND THE FRONT ROOM!!!! QUICK KILL IT KILLT!

SNAKE! SNAKE IN MY FRONT ROOM FFS

[I’d just like you to take a quick look at the background of this admittedly awful photo. See the COOL BOX? See the Tupperware? PROOF of the sickness]

Oh. a snake, that’s not TOO bad. I can cope with snakes.

I have NO CLUE what is going on here...oh wait...It's a snake

Yeah *cool* It’s just an effing snake. What’s the big deal? A snake. In my front room. It’s all good, CHILL OUT YOU WANKERS!

Oh. The Doors to Hell have appeared in my Front Room

It looks like a small turd. It looks like he is holding a small moving turd. IT IS A GIGANTIC COCKROACH??!! I MEAN, seriously Bug Man. Time to sod off yeah? What the HELL is the MATTER WITH YOU? This is twisted shit right here. *shudders like a sick dog*

My God.

.....................

There are no words...look at how eager Olly is to HAVE ANOTHER GO AT IT

While I chewed my own face off in horror and dismay it appeared that the children were enjoying ALL OF IT. Seriously. SOD OFF KIDS, YOU ARE ALL WEIRD.

(oh by the way, I’ve started blurring faces as I realise that some people don’t want pics of their kids all over the internetz. I understand this no I don’t and have decided to do blurring unless expressly told that it’s OK for the children to appear….the children shown have actual normal faces. Tom and Olly aren’t friends with people with blurry faces – although, if they were, that would be totally OK too.)

He. Is. Stroking. A. Tarantula. Fuckabout.

The nightmare is complete. The BugMan has brought an actual TARANTULA into my home. The funny thing is that I remember stroking it’s legs. The tarantuala that is, not The Bug Man. I have a vague, ephemeral ghost of a memory which wafts across my thoughts…and I’m pretty sure I stroked the TARANTULA’S LEGS.

Food

Who knows?

Games

Um

Cake

No Idea

This is a true Party Spanner Post.

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Posted on 06/04/2011, in Bad Parties, Party Ideas, Party Planner and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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